Sandekh Brandy
“Adiye! The onions seem fried. Ippo ennatha seiyya ?“ I yell on top of my voice.
I’m pretty sure she didn’t hear a thing.
Goddamn TV serials! If it were up to me I’d shotgun every “fresh-out-of-beauty-parlor-face-all-day” family member of every Gharaana and end their ridiculous conflicts right in the pilot. But such prompt closures are usual frowned upon by the general populace. For instance, I was fed just saltless paavakKa poriyal and burnt VaazhakKa curry when I slipped this view in a house-party, as an plausible impersonal opinion on how things would pan out ‘if prime-time tv soaps were left to the husbands’. For 3 days. I have since tempered my inner Bhagat Singh.
“Haaan?.. Pyaaz fry kiya kya?” she yells back.
Facepalm!
A week before:
“Bujju, door lock kar dena. Will be late from office today“ she’s a miracle in the mornings; gets a bazillion housework stuff done by the time I haul my ass from the bed to the nearest toilet in stop-motion.
“Hmmm….ya ok. hey pass the newspaper before you go“
No answer. A loud thud and 2 minutes later, I get an SMS from her “kpt milk n stuv… frgt to turn of…. doit’ . Brush and foam in mouth, cellphone in one hand and the end of towel firmly clasped in another, I rush to the kitchen, trip over the dustbin, fall down and somehow manage break my toothbrush into two neat pieces. Gah!
Working from home can get soul-sappingly boring, esp if you don’t have an office to go to. I have now spent months wrestling with an extremely tricky plot point with the resolution nowhere in sight. Not that I am losing sleep over it but its annoying to start every day, working back and forth on those same notes .
I head out to the balcony for a smoke. I am worried about hundred things in general and none in particular. What have we done with our value system (from an ethical point of view)? Why are we, as a society, doling out apathy as a holistic cure to all our social maladies? Why does our media favor reckless opportunism over integrity? Who are these pseudo-intellectuals and why do they absofuckolutely hate my books ? How on earth did that asshole with zero singing talent win the Ultimate Crooner contest?
Same old, same old. Sigh! In other words, the breakfast was real bad; asshole Iyermess fellow had me eating the saltiest pongal ever made. When I did complain about it, he dumped chilly sauce on it as compensation. Like truck loads of it.
“Namma otel silly chaas saaptu paarumOi. Divyama irukumNe“
I mean, who does such things.
Keeping things simple is my motto for the day. Nice and easy little paragraphs, simple observations, character chit-chat, pump in 1500 words and call it a day. Here an inch, there a foot and I’ll ride through this mess.
Yes Yes!
That’s it.
Nice and easy little paragraphs.
Fifteen minutes later, I find myself browsing through social-networking sites. If not for my publisher who thought it wouldn’t hurt for me to have an online presence, I wouldn’t have even bothered registering here. I don’t update much…except for a few thoughts that come to my mind (typically during late afternoons when sleep threatens to spoil my night-routine and I have to really really do something different to keep myself awake). Anyways, it seems that I’ve missed the bus by 10 years. Things here don’t make much sense to me.
Around 2.30, I get a call from her mobile. This better not be the ‘go-buy-and-boil-milk-before-I-get-home’ routine
“Hello“
“Hello saar“ Male voice. Eh?
“Who?“
” Aashiq saar“
“Which Aashiq?“
“Autodriver Aashiq saar. Saar, yoor misses suddenly crashing in my auto saar. Activa fell saar. she adilegoing under. Leg breaking and I taking to gendrlasphithrii saar, I calling there only“
WTF!
“Allo…Yaaru pa nee? Tamizh le pesi thole“
The last time I ever went to the General Hospital was during the 90s. Grandmother’s mother (0r father? or was it Grandpa’s mother? or was it Thathaa himself? Anyways, who remembers these things!) was terribly ill and they had her in the ICU. Hospitals still do scare me. My constitution is not built to handle these places, the smell of tincture induce nausea and pointy needles, an uncontrollable shiver. More than anything, the proximity to blood and death and the ridiculous ease with which they deal with them here is unnerving. It’s a wonder people come here, of all the places, to get back to good health and what more… most of them actually do.
Accident and Trauma Care Services. The nurse points me to the doctor who tells me that it wasn’t a major injury. A small Patella fracture surgery here, a lakh there. Some rest, physiotherapy and wooosh! Nothing that our insurances can’t handle.
“We go into the theatre in an hour. Simple procedure. I’ll see to it that she’s discharged end of this week. Palani outside will help you with the forms and other formalities“
There was no Palani outside.
I enquire about the autofellow.He’s nowhere to be seen.He’s left all her belongings with the hospital. Everything seem as it is (as far as I can tell, I never can).Must say, Aashiq is decent. An eventful day. Most of it spent running hither and thither, buying this, signing that, buying this again, signing that again, consoling the oh-my-gods, explaining the what-the-fuck-happeneds, ignoring the oru-nade-Kalikaambazhl-Koil-poituvaadas and accepting the get-well-soons. She’s not woken up yet.
I convince the in-laws to not stay over. I can manage, I say. Ditto to my parents. Just that mom never ever listens to me.
“Ippo sollu da. Enna thaan nadandhudhu?” Mom’s idea of effective inquiry: Repeat the question until you hear what you want to hear.
”Maaa…We can discuss later “
I must’ve slept for the next thing I know it was early morning. The night shift personnel were leaving and I am told that she’s still sleeping. I slip out for a nice smoke and a quick tea. Something about December makes me fall in love with this city. So many things have changed but yet this place remains the same.
Sigh.
“You can see her now“
“Thanks for everything, ma’am…..Means a lot“
“Don’t be silly. It’s only her job” this was mom.
Today:
Fucking Youtube cookery videos! They teach you everything except how to cook. More importantly, they don’t tell you what to do when smoke hits the roof.
“Kar kya rahe ho tum vahan?” a geniune alarm in her voice. Great success! Not the cooking… managed to divert her attention from the TV.
“Aaan… Saambrani daal raha hoon“
“What?? Are you smoking in there? Aa rahi hoon mein” Heh. Fat chance of that happening
“My Dear SandhegapPraani, don’t bother. Have some patience, yummy lunch is getting ready“. Fat chance of that happening too. Must’ve taken mother’s help when she offered to stay with us. Tactical mistake.
Never have I struggled like this in my life. EVER. Not even when I had to almost stab my heart to convince my high school biology teacher that the diagram was of a cockroach and not a flabby male genitalia. Cooking is not for the pansies. Hundred things to do and each with a hundred other dependencies and considerations. All this for a 15-min-simple-thing-one-cooks-every-other-Tuesday level dish.
An hour and a half later.
“How is it?” I ask her. Clever of me to have not tasted it at all. Never take risks when you’re married is how I roll.
“Hmmmm” she replies, lost in thought ”Eatable“
Aha…well of course. Love that Sardar chef guy on Youtube! Must send him a money order or something.
“What does that word mean?“
“What word?“
“Vahi. Sandhekh Brandy“
“Huh? Kounsa brandy? “
“Yeah, the same… what does it mean?“
“Are you alright?“
“Arre… From the kitchen you yelled then, no? What’s that word?“
This is one thing I really hate. Pulling random stuff from some…
“Oh SandhegapPraani ya?“
“Yeah, the same.“
“Asadu, it means you are very pretty” I do this all the time. She is probably the most misinformed Bharadhiyar poetry fan in the whole world. I mean, why waste time looking up words, when your husband’s a writer, right? Right? Right? Wrong.
“Awww. So sweet. Channel zara change karna “
“Kounsa dekhna hei?” I snuggle in next to her.
“Zee.”
“Ahaan…what is this serial?“
“Interesting one. Its about this big family and the third son’s wife is actually a.. “
Ah, TV is not so bad after all.
Very humorous. Was chuckling throughout, well done…
ABVan: Cheers man!
My dear fellow, this is brilliant!
lol, nicely done. I almost gave up halfway (nothing to do with you, but am feeling slightly OD’d on tam brahm humor) but am glad I stuck on. Was actually very curious with the title
)
What does it mean actually? SandhegapPraani?
ABVan: Nothing major, just someone’s who’s suspicious.
lovely!!
funny and easy read ! didn’t get the tamil lines . maybe you can include rough translations? (i am guessing it is tamil – bengali guy here)
ABVan: Kind of the point, no? Both of them, despite having a common language, choose to express themselves in their mother tongue. If I did add subtitles, wouldn’t that be cheating the characters? (just wondering)
That was very cute
Brought a smile to the face.
I hate it how these aravas khoonify all sanskrit words. WTF is a Sandega! It is a fucking Sandeha.
No wonder she misunderstood it as some kind of Brandy. Given the way you pronounce all ‘pa’s in the middle of words as ‘ba’s, hell, even I could have taken it for a brandy if I heard it being a spoken by aravas. I bet she could infer the meaning of the word, if you tell her the correct sanskrit word – Sandeha Praani.
ABVan: :O) Thank you for missing the point.
brilliant start to a boring sunday morning!
write more!
ABVan: Mikka Nandri hein! will do
Nicely done. So, what did you score in Bio?
ABVan: Mildly bad score hona heing
Ada ada ada, whatay louly. ” Outside there was no palani” ROFL.
C’mon now. Just because I didn’t go on about how romantic, entertaining and brilliant the post is, it doesn’t mean I didn’t “get the point”.
Seeing that the others have already stated the obvious, I chose to rant about my beef with it. Frankly, I always thought that best writing is invariably pointless. If you try to confine it to a “point” it loses its brilliance.”
ABVan: Ha, well played then.
This is hilarious. I love the way you play with language. Just an artfully placed “the” can make a sentence sing (Cooking is not for the pansies.). How do you do that???
ABVan: Many thanks… I just get lucky I guess
Suber louly post! I could almost see the flash back chakrams when ‘the week before started’..
solpa curiosity wonly..
Btw, what was the 15-min-simple-thing-one-cooks-every-other-Tuesday level dish?
ABVan: Free. Let’s avoid the cooking community’s wrath
Extremely well played.
ABVan: Mikka Nandri for reading, saar!
brilliance…..
ABVan: thankyou!
awesome. another blog to read thoroughly.
ABVan: thanks man!
Nice ! Mostly reminded me of the Hey Ram Kamal Hassan – Rani Mukherji scenes … “Unga pithaji kopam pannuvaaru..”
PS : Kounsa Dekhna Hei? Is that grammatically right? just asking … naan hindi fail so kaetu therinjikkiraen. If it is .. why was it kounsa and not kounsi?
ABVan: Key memory and well remembered. To the PS question, I too believe that its Kounsi. But I particularly didn’t mind the grammar when its spoken by the husband because he’s a tamizh guy and there is no justification to suggest he’s very comfortable in another language.
U have hindi Girl friend or all fiction
ABVan: Fiction, learnt Hindi at school
Hmmmm… enn voi nadakaradhu inga? Engala yaarum emaatha mudiyadhu. But reality or fiction, lovely writing voi.
ABVan: Nandri Nanba.
PS: a)Its fiction b)I am decent. c)You know both anyways
Good.
However I didn’t like it as much as the Mahabaratham story.
Of course apples-oranges etc. but what I mean is, that was written lot more deftly with greater nuance etc.
This one I felt was trying to use existing stereotypes. It worked well in some places – like the couple’s conversations: which were- dare I say the word – cute. Quite funny actually. But in some other places I found it uneven.
The Iyermess fellow’s line for instance I could get the picture you were trying to paint there, but it didn’t work for me at all
Aashiq’s lines felt like a top-down opinion of ‘this is how they speak’
The paragraph on social networking, while interesting in itself, seemed a bit like a meandering when considering the rest of the short story.
From the age of the characters, it seems unlikely that he would be so thoroughly forgetful about who was in the ICU in the 90s. Perhaps early ’90s
(ippadi ellAm solradhunaala dhaan ennai ‘plausible’nu naNbar equanimus thitturaar!)
Some nitpicks:
Kalikaambazhl – kaaLikaambaaL
Fully in present tense, but some 2-3 places there are tense shifts to past.
ABVan: Thank you sir
!
The intention was never to write a cute romantic story(godpromise) which would have left me with the burden of making it a) cute and b)romantic. It’s more of a ramble (Unlike the Mahabharatha story which had fixed function points and moral arcs to play with) where the chief character recounts events from an earlier week and goes on coloring parts of it with his perception(and in some places, prejudice). This may explain the ‘unevenness’ that you mention for rambles are never the highlight packages that we expect them to be. For the same reason, the Iyermess (line didn’t work? Tuff match!), the breaking of toothbrush and social networking stuff which were totally unrelated to the central event of the story find a place here.
Regd the autodriver’s lingo. He must’ve communicated with her either in Hindi or English during the time he admitted her to the hospital. It is therefore, not very unnatural for him to assume that the husband must be a Northie as well. Also its not unnatural for bus conductors and auto-drivers to effortlessly switch to horrible Tanglish whenever they see a person with a fair complexion (mildly racist, but I have seen it happen a lot. In real life only, I mean).
Hehe..and finally the forgetfulness of the author, even I would say quite plausible. In a large close-knit families (a dying breed in itself) where hospital admittance, death and the subsequent ceremony becomes an annual event, it is fair to say that it gradually erodes off emotions and memories bit-by-bit.
ps: Nitpicks: I am approvar. Kaatna edathula sign podren
pps: Sabbbaa! Dathunoondu storykKu imMaan periya defense. Aavradhille
ppps: Engilaandhu kiriket team ozhigha!
//Iyermess (line didn’t work? Tuff match!), the breaking of toothbrush and social networking stuff which were totally unrelated to the central event of the story//
appidindreenga? I found the horrid food outside, general clumsiness etc. quite relevant actually.
//not unnatural for bus conductors and auto-drivers to effortlessly switch to horrible Tanglish//
True. Not disputing that at all. Just that the the exact dialogues didn’t seem like what such a person would actually speak, but what ‘we’ think they would. (ennai thiruttha mudiyAdhu)
//ppps: Engilaandhu kiriket team ozhigha!//LOL
We are coming.
Same place, same format in which you won the world cup – as a kindered soul observantly noted- without beating us
Chilly saas on Pongal? Preposterous!!!
“Yek gaun mein yek gissan vada saaptain”
ABVan: Raha Raha Ragaga
“Yek gaun mein yek gissan vada saaptan”
Super cute
Ah. Too good.
Sandegapranni was too good 
AShwini
http://www.ash-aqua-girl.blogspot.com/